


The First Annual Avengers Talent Show

by Jantique



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: A little strong language, Acting, Dancing, Fluff, Gen, Hidden Talents, Humor, Multi, No Sex, Singing, Talent Shows, What It Says In The Title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 17:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4674893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jantique/pseuds/Jantique
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s The First Annual Avengers Talent Show. They act, they sing, they dance and a good time is had by all. Angst-free zone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Annual Avengers Talent Show

**Author's Note:**

> Post-Avengers 1. Not compliant for anything after A1.

Tony had a wonderful idea. Well, naturally, ALL of his ideas were wonderful. However, since this one involved _people_ , rather than machines, he was careful to run it by Pepper first, even before JARVIS. (It was undeniable that among the many languages JARVIS spoke, he was fluent in Sarcasm. Of course, Tony couldn’t deny “Like father, like child”. Still, Pepper was _nicer_. And, of course, she spoke “people”.)

Pepper was nice, but she knew that subtlety was wasted on Tony, so she told him flat-out that his idea was … really good. Tony had been expecting “doesn’t suck” at best, but she used those very words: “Really good idea”. Internally he pumped his fist and did a victory dance, while Pepper nattered on about “team-building”, “socializing”, and “getting to know each other better”. Whatever. (Okay, he had stopped listening after “Really good idea”.) 

She stopped talking, which meant that Tony was supposed to respond. “Um, we can call it the First Annual Avengers Talent Show! Oh, and you too, of course! All the girlfriends!”

Naturally, she had to be talked into it. “Oh, I don’t know, Tony. I don’t really have any talents.”

And he knew exactly how. “Okay, first, don’t say stuff like that—your nose will grow! Second, you have to bring in Betty and Jane. You know they won’t do it if you don’t. They need to be…” He thought ‘coerced’, but quickly substituted, “… encouraged”.

He thought for a moment longer. “Okay, everyone has to do _something_ , and it can’t be your superpower. I mean, I shouldn’t fly around in the suit and Clint can’t just shoot targets. It has to be something _different_.”

Speaking of Clint reminded Pepper, “And boyfriends, too. Although you should say ‘civilians’, not ‘girlfriends’ and ‘boyfriends’. We do have our own identities, you know!”

“Well, of course you do! Wait—what boyfriends? Natasha is being very cagey about it, but she did say that she met a lawyer on a blind date. No actual names mentioned.”

Pepper smiled. “Well, we can invite him, sure, but I was thinking of Phil.”

Tony scoffed. “Please! Phil is NO civilian! He’s our mascot! Not to mention, the Official Avengers Liaison. I don’t know what he can do, talent-wise—take off his tie, maybe?!—but sure. We’ll rope him in.”

“Tony,” Pepper said in a warning voice, “this is for FUN, right? NOT a competition. No prizes; no winners and absolutely no losers!”

Tony was hurt. Really. “Of course it’s for fun! Everyone should want to do their own thing. A good time had by all!” He beamed. Realistically, Tony knew that he would do okay, but if anyone had any (heretofore hidden) talents, he probably wouldn’t win. So, fine, no prizes. That was okay. As long as Pepper did well. If she was happy, he would be happy. And possibly get lucky. It was a win-win.

Pepper went off organize the girlfr—er, civilians, while Tony went to talk Steve into it. He may or may not have mentioned “team-building” and “”counting on you to lead the team”. Steve, like Pepper, just loved those buzzwords. The Captain agreed on one condition: he was absolutely **NOT** going to sing “The Man with a Plan”, and no one ( _read: Tony_ ) was going to ask him to. Or ever mention it again.

Once Steve was on board, everyone fell in line. Bruce did try to get out of it, but Tony ruthlessly told him that Betty was in, and was counting on him to do something. She would be embarrassed if she performed but he didn’t. Of course, Pepper told Betty the exact same thing, only opposite. (That trick was as old as the hills—but it _always_ worked!)

They scheduled the talent show for Saturday night, three weeks away, barring unnatural disasters. Cap (who was good with strategy) arranged for the Fantastic Four and Spiderman to cover for them that night. Given his less than stellar opinion of Reed Richards, and seriously, Spidey was a teenager!, Tony made sure that Wolverine would be in Manhattan, as well. (That only took the promise of a couple of good steak dinners and a box of Cuban cigars—money well-spent!)

Finally, the big night arrived. Clint had already arranged to go first, since he needed to get into costume. (What costume, Tony didn’t ask. Some circus thing, he supposed.)

Everyone gathered in the living room. Tony had appointed himself Master of Ceremonies (naturally). Pepper was off helping Clint with his costume or make-up or whatever. Finally Pepper came in. She smiled brightly at them all.

“Okay, Clint’s ready. He’s going to perform the opening soliloquy from ‘Richard III’. And, um, he wants me to tell everyone that he’s discussed this with his therapist, who says that it’s okay.” She wasn’t so sure about that. But if it made Clint feel better about the whole thing…. “Tony, sit down. JARVIS, lights please.”

Tony sat. Pepper sat. JARVIS turned off all the lights except for a single spotlight. After a minute, a figure stepped into the spotlight. His back was straight—not doing the hunchback version. But what caught every eye and caused gasps all around the room was his costume. It was black and green, with a long green cloak. The metal was gold. He had long black hair. He was—Fuck it, he wasn’t _Richard_ , he was **LOKI**! More than one person did a quick double-take to make sure that it really was Barton in there.

Then he began to speak. “Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by _this_ — “he dramatically pointed to Thor “—son of York.”

He went on through the speech, scowling and looking menacing as he declaimed, “And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover, To entertain these fair well-spoken days, I am determined to prove a villain”, finally concluding, “Dive, thoughts, down to my soul.”

When he finished, there was dead silence. Then Thor stood up and began clapping his hands. He didn’t quite “get” it, but he understood that Clint was facing down his demons. And that was worth applauding.

That broke the spell. Everyone applauded and got a drink, while Clint went to change. When he came back, Stark said, “Hey, Barton, that was—wow. Really wow. But how’d you know about Richard’s soliloquy, anyway? Agent clue you in to that?”

Coulson got a dangerous look in his eye, but chose to lean back and let his lover handle it. Clint laughed. “What, you think because you went to college and I got a GED, you know more Shakespeare than me? Tell me, how much Shakespeare did you read or even see while you were at MIT, plays or sonnets. Approximately zero?” Tony waggled his hand back and forth. He remembered seeing “Throne of Blood”, the Japanese “Macbeth” movie—did that count?

“I spend a _lot_ of time of stake-outs, and for a good chunk of that time, I don’t even need to be on watch. I guarantee I’ve read more Shakespeare than you ever will.” Okay, so the first one, “Henry V”, had been Phil’s suggestion. But after that, Clint had pursued it on his own. And “Richard” … had just seemed right.

Tony opened his mouth and closed it. Well, probably true. Besides, everyone ( _he_ ) needed a change of conversation five minutes ago.

“Okay, I’ll go next.” He retrieved his box and stand. “I’m going to perform sleight-of-hand.” Apparently that didn’t translate into Allspeak, because Thor said, “Excuse me, I do not understand.”

“Legerdemain.” (That really didn’t help.) “Tricks that fool the eye.” He quickly held a hand to silence the three mouths already open. “ **NOT** fucking Magic, okay?! I can explain every trick I do—I won’t, but I _could_ —you would understand what I did and, with a lot of practice, be able to do them yourself. It’s NOT fucking Magic!”

Steve smiled sweetly and said, “It’s what most people on Earth would call a ‘magic act’.” Tony sent him a Death Glare. Steve somehow failed to spontaneously combust. Damn, he was losing his touch. He sighed and went on to the first trick.

It was pretty standard living room-magician stuff, but he was good enough so that nobody caught him, and his lively patter kept everyone entertained. And if anyone with 20/05 vision noticed a few things he wasn’t meant to, he kept his mouth shut. Professional courtesy—Tony hadn’t ruined his act, Clint wouldn’t ruin Tony’s.

Next up was Natasha, who did something ballet, wearing a black tutu. Pepper had dragged Tony to that movie about that hot chick—er, _talented actress_ who wanted to dance in “Swan Lake”, so he figured this was something from that. He hadn’t really been paying attention at the time. In any event, he watched _this_ performance with an unblinking stare. Because, you know, _Black Widow_. And on the off chance that _she_ didn’t take his balls off if he yawned, or even started doing math in his head, Pepper certainly would. (She was scary about knowing things like that.)

Phil Coulson was next, reading Aaron Copland’s “Lincoln Portrait”. It was a good performance, even stirring, but Tony was a little disappointed that Agent did not, in fact, remove his tie or jacket. Tony’s mind wandered into a little fantasy wherein he drugged Agent and took pictures of him wearing one of his, Tony’s, metal band T-shirts. Now _that_ would be prime blackmail material!

When it was his turn, Steve started singing an Oldie but Moldy song about how he was biding his time. _Borrring!_ This went on for an interminable 10 or 15 seconds—then suddenly the music changed, becoming fast and loud. Cap pulled off his button-down to reveal a black tee bearing the legend "Brooklyn Bikers Club" and launched into Steppenwolf’s “Born to be Wild”. Tony grinned and pumped his fist in the air. **YES!** The Classics! Everyone knew the song except Thor and Natasha, and they both appreciated the sentiment. That number went over very well. Tony contributed uncredited vocals doing the motorcycle noises. (“ _Vroom, vroom, vroom_!”)

Bruce. Dr. Banner. Tony was _so_ disappointed with Brucie, it was crushing. The man had a brilliant mind, almost as good as his own, and he was performing … mime. **Mime!** Everyone else was smiling and laughing. (They probably just didn’t want to hurt his feelings.) Tony kept his Professional Plastic Smile on his face (hey, he didn’t want to hurt Brucie’s feelings either!), but the second it was over (and talk about interminable!), he got himself a double Scotch and quickly downed it.

Thor was last—well, last among actual Avengers. Pepper, Jane and Betty were apparently doing some group number which Pepper had insisted on saving till the end. Tony worried about that. He hoped they could stand up to the pressure of going last. (See: “Pepper happy, Tony lucky”.)

Thor sang a loud, boisterous song, presumably in Asgardian, as several of the words (names?) didn’t translate. But the ones that did? Were FILTHY. Embarrassingly obscene—and that was _Tony_ thinking that. He looked around the room to see who was blushing. Jane, check. Betty, check. Bruce, check. Steve—well, of course. Only the two spies and he seemed to be enjoying it. But more importantly, Pepper had a high color in her cheeks, biting her lip and looking unhappy. _Pepper was unhappy_! Tony sighed. Damn, he hated being Dad. That was Steve’s job. But the brave Captain was staring resolutely at the floor, no doubt imagining himself in a Happy Place. Like a war zone.

Tony took a deep breath. “Thor, excuse me—Thor—HEY, THOR!”

Thor stopped singing, looking at Tony with concern.

“Look, Thor, I’m sorry, but listen … um, well, would you sing that song to your mother? We have people with, uh, delicate sensibilities here. They’re not your drinking buddies, okay?”

Thor looked stricken. It was obvious that he had indeed been thinking of the group as his new drinking buddies. He fell all over himself apologizing, while everyone made polite noises about how it was okay, no problem, really. (Even though some things could never be unheard.)

He finally announced that he would instead sing a song he had learned on Midgard. Of course, it turned out to be “The Rodeo Song”. But “fuck” was the only X-rated word in it, and at least it wasn’t _graphic_ , so they all called it a win.

Berry, Jane and Pepper went off to change for their number while everyone else made popcorn, Pop –Tarts®, popovers ( _okay, just kidding_!) and generally consumed mass quantities. JARVIS advised them when the women were ready and they went back to their seats—all except Tony, who _finally_ got to be Master of Ceremonies as he grandly announced, “Lady and Gentlemen, I give you—the Civilians!”

The house lights went down. When they came up, Pepper was center, with Betty audience left and Jane audience right. All three women were wearing skin-tight sleeveless Lycra tops, short flippy skirts, tights and high heels. However, Pepper’s outfit was red with gold embellishments, Jane was dressed in silver with red trim and Betty, of course, was wearing green with purple accents. Tony, Thor and Bruce (respectively) had their jaws on the floor.

JARVIS started playing “I'm Holding Out for A Hero” from “Footloose”. Each woman stepped out to sing her lines, stepping back when it was someone else’s turn. Picture if you will (play it if you’ve got it):

 

BETTY  
Where have all the good men gone

JANE  
And where are all the gods?

PEPPER  
Where's the street-wise Hercules  
To fight the rising odds?

ALL  
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?  
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

 

ALL  
I need a hero  
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night

BETTY  
He's gotta be strong

PEPPER  
And he's gotta be fast

JANE  
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

ALL  
I need a hero  
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light

JANE  
He's gotta be sure

PEPPER  
And he’s gotta be soon

BETTY  
And he's gotta be larger than life

 

ALL  
Somewhere after midnight  
In my wildest fantasy  
Somewhere just beyond my reach  
There's someone reaching back for me

JANE  
Racing on the thunder 

BETTY  
And rising with the heat

PEPPER  
It's gonna take an Iron Man to sweep me off my feet

 

ALL  
I need a hero  
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night

BETTY  
He's gotta be strong

PEPPER  
And he's gotta be fast

JANE  
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

ALL  
I need a hero  
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light

JANE  
He's gotta be sure

PEPPER  
And he’s gotta be soon

BETTY  
And he's gotta be larger than life

 

BETTY  
Up where the mountains meet the heavens above

JANE  
Out where the lightning splits the sea

PEPPER  
I could swear that there's someone somewhere  
Watching me

 

BETTY  
Through the wind and the chill and the rain

JANE  
And the storm and the flood

PEPPER  
I can feel his approach  
Like the fire in my blood

 

ALL  
I need a hero  
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night

BETTY  
He's gotta be strong

PEPPER  
And he's gotta be fast

JANE  
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

ALL  
I need a hero  
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light

JANE  
He's gotta be sure

PEPPER  
And he’s gotta be soon

BETTY  
And he's gotta be larger than life

 

ALL  
**_I'm holding out for a hero!_**

 

They brought down the house. Thus ended the First Annual Avengers Talent Show.

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> Betty, Jane and Pepper are all strong, independent women. It's a question of skillsets. If you want a scientist, you go to Betty or Jane. If you want a savvy businessperson, you go to Pepper. If you need a warrior, and/or need to be rescued from someone stronger and better armed than you are ... you need a HERO!
> 
> When Natasha “met a lawyer on a blind date”? That was Matt Murdock! :) 
> 
> “Throne of Blood” is an Awesome movie. However, it obviously doesn’t contain of any Shakespeare’s _language_.
> 
> “Holding Out for a Hero”: Songwriters: Pitchford, Dean / Steinman, Jim. Published by Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC. All Rights Reserved. Used without permission; one word changed. ("Super" to "Iron"!)


End file.
